My Favorite Things about our First Time

1. Seeing the look on your face when you saw our Christmas tree for the first time. You came over to me, completely ecstatic, and whispered into my ear: "Mommy can I pick a candy cane off of the tree, please?" and then carefully stepped over an open box of candy canes to make your selection from the tree. 2. Then came the appreciation of you, whom insisted on buying a tree for us. "I'm not getting the tree for you, it's for the baby. It's your first Christmas in your own place as a family." 3. Suddenly it became even more important that you helped me decorate the tree and took wrapping the gifts off my hands. You helped put together a wonderfully perfect holiday.

Unexpected Holiday

I wasn't expecting much. No, I expected a collapse. I expected to lose everything... but instead I watch the snow in peace. It all started with my infant nephew and a Christmas tree. I learned that love can conquer all; Love for family, love for friends, love for people, love for self. Happy Holidays!

Good Morning America

Good Morning America! Why the fuck am I at the point of tears?! Why does this shit have to be so damn difficult?! I just want to be satisfied. Is that too much to ask?!

Understand Me

What do you want from me? I can not be your everything anymore. I need you to understand that I am here but in a different way now. I know that hurts you. I can not be there in the same capacity that I was. I have a family and myself to take care of. You may enjoy talking on the phone, but to me it's just a chore. I don't feel like it after I finish work, working out, playing with my son, cooking dinner, getting my son bathed and in bed, spend a few minutes with my fiance before he goes to work, get ready for the next day, I'm exhausted. Sometimes I do not have that one phone call in me. Or would you rather me call you and fall asleep or be a total bitch because I'm tired. Why would I do that? I just feel like my social life is too big for me now. It is hard to feel like you are being pulled in several different directions at once. It is not just you, you are not the only one who needs me or wants to keep me close. I need you too, my heart strings are pulling towards my all my loves and it hurts that when I think of you, I just don't have that one phone call in me. Understand that I don't want to hurt you I need to focus on myself. It is not that I want to distance myself. We all go through transitions in our lives, we move as time does. I am transitioning, things will never be the same. I am standing on my own two feet now. I can make my own decisions with my own mind without any outside questions, comments or concerns. If need an opinion then I will ask. I have to do me now. It does not mean that I love you less. I just have to do me now. I need you to understand that.

Get well soon

I am not sure how to react to this news. I don't quite know how to feel. I am not sad because I know that a big part is of this is over, and that you are okay. Maybe I am scared because the near future is unsure. This journey has just begun. I was upset because I believe that you should have told us, but I understand that it is your decision and that you have a right to your privacy. Get well soon.

Shade

I think of you often lately. I think of how we used to be. I remember how we laughed and laughed at ourselves constantly, with our quirky weird silliness. We found joy in each others company. I also vividly remember how I found joy with you in my heart. You found me in your heart as well, but that was never enough. It was never enough to stop the user, the thief. Passive aggression and lies also come to mind. Not just yours, mine too. Remember the double date in college park? When you drove like a maniac. When you sucked as a person, and were rude to my friends. When you were rude to me and blatantly disrespectful. Don't you remember my intense frustration at the end of the night? You know when I hit that right turn so fast and hard that the car was on two wheels. I remember. I remember you recounting conversations with your mother, "Be careful with her...she is a good girl." She said "Don't be stupid... don't mess this up, she is a good one." But you didn't listen. Did you? I knew that you had it rough. I knew that you had done things that you weren't proud of. I know that you had occasional slip ups, old habits always die hard, but did you really have to take it and run to my car, and then say "drive" as if we had some type of arrangement?! With a curse out as your only repercussion I let you off way too easy, as you often were in life. You wondered why your mom and family treated you the way that they did. You talked a good game and played the part well but only for so long. Eventually your true self always came out in some form or fashion. The thing was that I never tried to change you. When I found you, you were on a mission to change yourself. Looking for a new start. Instead of starting anew, you began to recycle traits that you should have thrown away for good. Charisma and good acting will only get you so far. As we know the truth always comes to light. The truth about you was... what was the truth about you? Now when I think of you, I think of how you think of me. I think of how heartbroken you were at the news of my engagement. I think of how, for you, I am the one that got away and how you will always be the person who reinforced my spine. Never again! Then, I think that I am giving you too much thought so think of my love, my soul mate. In comparison you are just a shade. I am so glad that you were never mine.

Our Love

My Baby, I have wanted to write to you for some time now, but I have been unsure what to say, searching for the right words. I guess I just want to say thank you. Thank you for listening to both my stories and bad singing without complaint. You put up with my occasional rudeness and silence when I'm wrapped up in my own thoughts. You let me be myself, as crazy and nonsensical as I may be on any given day. You help me learn and grow everyday without even knowing it. You have given me a new appreciation for the smaller things in life while still encouraging my big dreams. Thank you for always being honest. Most of all thank you for being you, and loving me for me. You have a heart of gold and are one of the best people that I know. If sometime later from now you grow tired and weary of me, reread this letter and remember our love. Sincerely, Your Baby