My Favorite Things about our First Time

1. Seeing the look on your face when you saw our Christmas tree for the first time. You came over to me, completely ecstatic, and whispered into my ear: "Mommy can I pick a candy cane off of the tree, please?" and then carefully stepped over an open box of candy canes to make your selection from the tree. 2. Then came the appreciation of you, whom insisted on buying a tree for us. "I'm not getting the tree for you, it's for the baby. It's your first Christmas in your own place as a family." 3. Suddenly it became even more important that you helped me decorate the tree and took wrapping the gifts off my hands. You helped put together a wonderfully perfect holiday.

Unexpected Holiday

I wasn't expecting much. No, I expected a collapse. I expected to lose everything... but instead I watch the snow in peace. It all started with my infant nephew and a Christmas tree. I learned that love can conquer all; Love for family, love for friends, love for people, love for self. Happy Holidays!

Good Morning America

Good Morning America! Why the fuck am I at the point of tears?! Why does this shit have to be so damn difficult?! I just want to be satisfied. Is that too much to ask?!

Understand Me

What do you want from me? I can not be your everything anymore. I need you to understand that I am here but in a different way now. I know that hurts you. I can not be there in the same capacity that I was. I have a family and myself to take care of. You may enjoy talking on the phone, but to me it's just a chore. I don't feel like it after I finish work, working out, playing with my son, cooking dinner, getting my son bathed and in bed, spend a few minutes with my fiance before he goes to work, get ready for the next day, I'm exhausted. Sometimes I do not have that one phone call in me. Or would you rather me call you and fall asleep or be a total bitch because I'm tired. Why would I do that? I just feel like my social life is too big for me now. It is hard to feel like you are being pulled in several different directions at once. It is not just you, you are not the only one who needs me or wants to keep me close. I need you too, my heart strings are pulling towards my all my loves and it hurts that when I think of you, I just don't have that one phone call in me. Understand that I don't want to hurt you I need to focus on myself. It is not that I want to distance myself. We all go through transitions in our lives, we move as time does. I am transitioning, things will never be the same. I am standing on my own two feet now. I can make my own decisions with my own mind without any outside questions, comments or concerns. If need an opinion then I will ask. I have to do me now. It does not mean that I love you less. I just have to do me now. I need you to understand that.

Get well soon

I am not sure how to react to this news. I don't quite know how to feel. I am not sad because I know that a big part is of this is over, and that you are okay. Maybe I am scared because the near future is unsure. This journey has just begun. I was upset because I believe that you should have told us, but I understand that it is your decision and that you have a right to your privacy. Get well soon.

Shade

I think of you often lately. I think of how we used to be. I remember how we laughed and laughed at ourselves constantly, with our quirky weird silliness. We found joy in each others company. I also vividly remember how I found joy with you in my heart. You found me in your heart as well, but that was never enough. It was never enough to stop the user, the thief. Passive aggression and lies also come to mind. Not just yours, mine too. Remember the double date in college park? When you drove like a maniac. When you sucked as a person, and were rude to my friends. When you were rude to me and blatantly disrespectful. Don't you remember my intense frustration at the end of the night? You know when I hit that right turn so fast and hard that the car was on two wheels. I remember. I remember you recounting conversations with your mother, "Be careful with her...she is a good girl." She said "Don't be stupid... don't mess this up, she is a good one." But you didn't listen. Did you? I knew that you had it rough. I knew that you had done things that you weren't proud of. I know that you had occasional slip ups, old habits always die hard, but did you really have to take it and run to my car, and then say "drive" as if we had some type of arrangement?! With a curse out as your only repercussion I let you off way too easy, as you often were in life. You wondered why your mom and family treated you the way that they did. You talked a good game and played the part well but only for so long. Eventually your true self always came out in some form or fashion. The thing was that I never tried to change you. When I found you, you were on a mission to change yourself. Looking for a new start. Instead of starting anew, you began to recycle traits that you should have thrown away for good. Charisma and good acting will only get you so far. As we know the truth always comes to light. The truth about you was... what was the truth about you? Now when I think of you, I think of how you think of me. I think of how heartbroken you were at the news of my engagement. I think of how, for you, I am the one that got away and how you will always be the person who reinforced my spine. Never again! Then, I think that I am giving you too much thought so think of my love, my soul mate. In comparison you are just a shade. I am so glad that you were never mine.

Our Love

My Baby, I have wanted to write to you for some time now, but I have been unsure what to say, searching for the right words. I guess I just want to say thank you. Thank you for listening to both my stories and bad singing without complaint. You put up with my occasional rudeness and silence when I'm wrapped up in my own thoughts. You let me be myself, as crazy and nonsensical as I may be on any given day. You help me learn and grow everyday without even knowing it. You have given me a new appreciation for the smaller things in life while still encouraging my big dreams. Thank you for always being honest. Most of all thank you for being you, and loving me for me. You have a heart of gold and are one of the best people that I know. If sometime later from now you grow tired and weary of me, reread this letter and remember our love. Sincerely, Your Baby

Crackle

I say make me certain and you do just that. I hear your voice and melt instantly. I want to drop everything and run to you. The flame is growing.

Your Baby

Good morning Baby, I miss you today. I missed you yesterday. The question is will I miss you tomorrow? I let myself be vulnerable, let my guard down. You saw me cry, you made me cry. I do not know what tomorrow will bring although I wish that I did. I wish I could see forward, be forward, fast forward to where I want to be but will you be with me? Or will it be he? He who shall remain unnamed, unknown. I want you today but will I want you tomorrow? I hope that I will. I am not sure that I will be able to shake this feeling. The urge to drop everything and run to you. You have ignited a flame within me and it burns only for you, yet there is still this feeling of uncertainty. Make me certain, my baby. Make me certain. Love, Your Baby

Love by the Water

I have been wanting to write while watching the water for some time now. It is nice to hear the movement of the water, feel the breeze and watch the boats pass by. It is a beautiful day. I have been thinking a lot lately. I think about love, relationships, my relationship and what I want for myself and my family. I want so much. I expect so much. I wonder if I expect too much. Do I expect too much? Is my vision of love realistic? It seems as if I am searching for Mr. Perfect when that person simply does not exist. What if I already gave up on my love, thinking I would find a greater love? It is the oddest thing. I am a hopeless romantic yet I have given up on true romance. How about that? I have traded in the poems and sensitive gestures for displays of male prowess. When did being the good guy become a bad thing? Why are assholes and douche-bags the ideal choice? It is so unfortunate. I have a great guy who truly cares about me, but for some reason it is not enough. Can I be satisfied? I understand that no one is perfect but what does that mean when you are looking for the one? What is the equation for love?

Learn

I am not sorry that I am not made of gelatin. I will not apologize for constantly conquering this thing called life. Deaf to your opinion of what my life should be. Because when I am 93 I will have over a million stories to tell; how I climbed, how I fell. I will tell how I laughed and ate, cried through hate, loved and experienced everything that I wanted to. All with passion free from regret. Do not tell me what you want for me. Want what I want for me. Societal norms can not contain me. When your glass house shatters, and you have nothing left but scant glimpses of happiness, I will be full of breath and joy. Do not regress. Learn how to live.

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I just want to be

Why is it that every time I'm around you it just feels right? Why is that I feel like everything is right even though it is all wrong? Wrong timing. Wrong place. I was so head over heels. I still am. What is love anyway? I just want to be happy..

Love you never

Its been a while since I last saw you....

I still think about you, even though I can't even begin to understand why. I almost hate the fact that I do. You were so perfectly imperfect, in the beginning. But slowly I began to understand, what kind of man that you are and how blind love can be. I'm forever grateful that I have two eyes to see that the mistake of loving you would have lead to another, and another. I am too important to be undervalued and depreciated. I am too intelligent to allow myself to waste with you rather than flourishing with another. Despite the fact that you still manage to enter my thoughts, I could never give you another chance. Love you, never.





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Ache

I miss you like...
... words leave me..
Speechless; vocabulary useless.
Its like nothing i've ever experienced
Before.. like an ache
That just hangs, engulfs.
My exterior may appear superior
But the ailment is just too deep to see.
I miss you.

Make Me

Make me move.

Inspire me.

Live a little
or I will wipe my hands with you
and trash you
because i don't need you.

Live on cloud 9
but keep it 100
And leave the games
at the playground.

Did you hear what I said?

I need you to make me move
I should need you like addict
Love you like its tragic
Inspire me mother fucker!

Flawless

Flutterbies
Heart racing
Feet Pacing
Breathe in

Dance
Left-right
"Ouch!"
"Sorry," "it's ok."

Open
"After you."
Smile
"I'll have what he's having."

Crazy meatball
Runaway
Blush to ears
But it's ok

Toast
To Sore Toes
And Red-Stained White

Laugh
Hysterically
Double-over
Even cry

Time moves
"There on the left"
Walk
Front door

Slow to move
Small talk
Lean in close
Suspend time

Goodnight

Don't Even!

So that is supposed to be it?
I say yes
We caress
And everything is fixed?!

What do you want from me?
What do I mean to you?
What do you want me to say,
Expect me to say?

You want your way
And without remarks
When your ass was dead wrong.
Dead wrong.

My name has never been
Synonymous for doormat,
Not damsel in distress,
Not reliant.

You don't know me son!

I'm not the average
If there is such a thing.
You don't discernibly know
What Rashanda means.

So ask around.
Be illuminated
Because I am not that girl.

Screwed

You make me sick
I want to spit!

Can’t stand you!
Blood is boiling
And I’m toiling
Fucking all your shit up
I don’t give a fuck

Sorry ass clown!
Let me calm down
And switch up my frown
Because I will not be brought down.

Not by you
Try again
I’m handling mine
Won’t you join in?

Nothing ass dude
For life you are screwed!

Marred by the fucked up shit you’ve done
It’s a wrap son
Karma has won.

So keep on playing roulette with that pistol
Its just a matter of time..
Click boom.

Hey You!

I like how you acted like a bitch
When I called you on your shit
Get out of the fucking kitchen
if you can't handle it.

Get Mad Nigga!
And I could give a fuck
But I don't!
So go ahead and count the tallies up.

Blow after blow
Ribs hurt
Eyes blue

I almost can't believe
That I once loved you.
This shit is petty,
Now I see your colors true.

For the first time
with un-blind eyes
Here you go again
back to a cat I demise.

Toe to toe
Blow for blow
Is how our future unfolds.
Its old.
The past has the futures story told.